First blog post

An introduction to me. I’m not new to blogging I’ve been blogging for a few months new and have another wordpress site under a different alias. This is my second anonymous blog. Here it’s my getaway from everything that’s going on in my head. I’m a mother of 2 children and a wife.

15 years ago when I was 17 years old I was sexually assaulted by my boyfriend who was 18 at the time. I want to use this space to tell my story and put my thoughts into words.

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my life since then

So 15 years later I’m now 32 I’m married and I have two wonderful boys. I haven’t told many people this story this is why I have an anonymous blog. Since my story began I’ve told my best friend, my close friend V, my ex boyfriend now friend M, my health visitor and family support worker from a charity that provides me with emotional support.

It took a long time for the reality of what happened to me to sink in I’m not sure it ever fully did. After about a year and a half and never speaking of it again once I finished my college course I never had to think of him or what happened again. I kind of just buried it all away and got on with my life. I had a relationship with a friend after my ordeal and she was 4 years older, he was lovely he was my first love and the first man I chose to have sex with. Our relaitionshio needed after 4 years in on and off. We remained good friends though. I had seceral quite disastrous relationships after then 7 years ago I met my now husband. I never had to tell him what happened to me because I had no reason to bring it up. We have 2 children together one is 5 and the youngest is 19 months. I was diagnosed a year ago with post natal depression because my youngest son had to have major surgery at 5 months old to correct his heart defect. Because I was getting emotional support for post natal depression I had my health visitor come once a week to weigh my son and support me. She was picking up on things that I wasn’t telling her. Eventually I told her what had happened then a few months later I found out the boy (now man) who raped me had moved back into my home town and opened up a shop right in the town centre. This mad everything re surface for me and aswell as dealing with depression and anxiety I’ve had to deal with this too. She with my permission told me supoort worker so I could get help from her too. Mainly so I didn’t have to tell her myself.

Its been extremely difficult finding out he’s back in town it re opened old wounds that I covered up. They never healed. I’ve not been dealing with things very well.

Not long after I found out he was back in town I saw him. I was sat on a bench with my youngest son in the middle of town. When I looked up I caught sight of him. I panicked and fled town centre. I rang my best friend in tears but she didn’t answer. I rang my  family support worker but she didn’t answer either. I was having a panic attack I needed somewhere to go and I needed to be away from town. I went to my friends house and told her what happened why I was so upset and frantic. Luckily she understood completely and she’s been a rock to me. My supoort worker rang me back after while and spoke to me and I told her what happened and that I wa safe at a friends house.

The day after I saw him I was due to see my health visitor. We went to see her and she saw what state I was in and told me to go to the gp and go on medication for depression. I’d previously refused. She had written them a letter and explained to them why I’d gone there. She reffered me for counselling but they couldn’t help me as it wasn’t happening in the present. I referred myself to Lincolnshire Rape Crisis and had a support meeting I took my family support workermwkth me as moral support as I felt really nervous and scared of talking about it. She referred me for specialist help but I couldn’t carry on going it was too hard and causing much more anxiety.

The aftermath

After deciding not to go back to anymore counselling I needed to regain some control over my life I didn’t want to self harm although I did think about it but I’m too much of a wuss. Instead I controlled what I ate. Most days I wouldn’t eat other days I would eat something and then make myself sick. I got clever at hiding it from my friends, using excuses like “I’ve just eaten ” or “I had breakfast so I’m not hungry” or “I had a big lunch”

No one really noticed for a good few months I was an expert at hiding my eating habits and hiding how I really felt. I had the control I so desperatly wanted. Once friends started noticing weight loss I had to think on my feet. What excuses could I come up with as to why I hadn’t eaten or why I kept going to the toilet after eating? It wasnt much use one friend had mentioned it to the course tutor. “She’s not eating” I got pulled to one side after a class ended. The course tutor also noticed the weight loss and the fact I looked tired and my work was slipping, I was less enthusiastic and not as keen to answer questions in my theory class. There was no escaping this one. I admitted I wasnt eating but she wanted me to see the counsellor again.i didn’t go I didn’t want to. After about 8-9 months I picked up eating little bits and after a while I got eating normally again with a few relapses.

I no longer enjoyed going out drinking, I changed my whole life. It completely changed who I was.

Part 2

when I left that house that morning I never step foot in there again. I walked home crying all the way, every piece of my body was hurting. My eyes were stinging from crying so much. I couldn’t understand what had just happened a few hours earlier.

I mean who does that to someone? What kind of person does that to their girlfriend? I wasn’t ready for sex. I didn’t even get undressed in front of him. How can that mean that’s it’s ok to have sex with someone who is asleep?

I didn’t tell my parents, I never have. Eventually i told my best friend. My best friend – I’d known of her for a long time before we met because our mum’s worked at the same care home and my mum often talked about her. My sister also went to the same secondary school as her and talked about her a lot too. We met on our induction day for our course in July. She spoke to me as we got off the bus and we kinda got lost trying to find this college. We chatted all day and got each other’s numbers so we chatted all through summer and just instantly became best friends. She wasn’t one for going out drinking like I was.

Anyway she noticed the following day at college something wasn’t right. At first I was telling her nothing was wrong but she wasn’t having it. Eventually I told her and we both cried. I’d just broken my best friends heart with what I’d just told her. She came with me when I decided to get some help. I’d spoken to my course tutor and she told me I’d have to go and see a counsellor in college.

I went to the appointment with my best friend by my side. I went into every detail of what happened and I cried againand so did my best friend. I decided that it was too hard and I couldn’t make my best friend cry again. I didn’t go back again. I buried my feelings away and tried other ways to cope and control my feelings.

Part 1

I’m 17 years old I go to college and I’m doing a course on hairdressing I’m in my 2nd year. I went out with my friends every weekend and stayed over at one particular friends house every weekend. It just became the normal thing to do. We usually got home quite late so it’s as easier to stay there then go home. I’d met my friend when I started my course she was a twin and a few months older then me. I got together with her twin brother. He seemed really nice and treated me well. I fell for him and had been dating him for a few months. One night after me and his sister had been out we went back to sleep at hers as usual. Even though I was dating her brother I never stayed in his room, until this one night. She told me she had back ache and didn’t want me to sleep in her room that night. She suggested I go sleep in her brothers room across the hall from hers. I thought about it and I wasn’t really sure. I went to the bathroom to get changed into nightwear but the time I was done in there she’d already told him I was staying with him. I went into that room willingly I wasn’t really forced I could have gone home but it was far too late after we’d eaten and stopped chatting.

We stuck on a film, “The wedding singer” after about an hour I must have drifted off to sleep. I must have been knackered. I woke up heard the film was still on in the background but he was having sex with me. I was still dosey but I knew it wasn’t right. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t scream. I froze. I cried and cried until he finished. Then when I could I got up and went to use that bathroom and threw up. I never end back int that bedroom again. I laid in the spare room on the bed with no blankets I laid there shivering until daylight. I got dressed grabbed my stuff and left.